How do you go from working seven days a week to this? To Australia? To backpacking around the world and being okay without the anxiety and stress coursing through your veins. That’s what pumped to my heart, made me able to work on overdrive. I thrived off the deadlines, the stress, the manic need to do everything at once. Even when I moved to a different industry, that mentality was still there, not as high paced but the to-do lists were an endless heap of disappointment if I couldn’t cross something off.
Then I moved to Melbourne. On a standstill. Mentally. It took a while to adjust, slow down, stop the internal judgement of others for not adhering to my standards of daily tasks completed. But I saw how happy they were. Much happier than someone who couldn’t cross off all of their to-do list. Much happier than someone who’s always so hard on themselves. Who’s the fool then?
Expectations, created by myself for myself, goaded by rules of civilisation, mediocrity and social norms. I was writing the previous paragraph on my lunch break and my colleague asked if I was okay, only then did I realise my heart was beating faster. I used to thrive off that feeling. It probably still makes me work to a different level, it might even be the passion of writing, but I full well know that my heart was beating faster because I was remembering the craze. Our thoughts are things, and it transferred straight to my body. Learned behaviour. My body remembers.
Thank you Melbourne, for letting me breathe.